Helen and Ben

Good Link...

2008-06-27T19:42:00.002-05:00

http://womenfly.com/khxc/ccp0-display/splash.html

I totally want to pilot an airplane now.

More characters in SF...

2008-06-25T01:10:00.003-05:00

I have heard good things about what Portland has been doing for their homeless population. http://www.portlandonline.com/BHCD/index.cfm?c=30140

The weird thing is that I have not thought much about the homeless lately. I usually give this issue deep thoughts once a day when I pass them going to or leaving work. Now that I am settled into my daily routine, it feels like I have not seen many homeless. But that is not actually so. I saw 3 this afternoon just walking down the block to catch my bus. It is like I am getting numb to it. Which is kind of scary and kind of comforting because it makes my day easier. And that is scary too.

Today I saw a dark skinned woman who was sitting with her legs stretched out across the sidewalk. When I first noticed her, I thought it must be some eccentric tourist person because she had a really trim short haircut and was wearing bright colors. Then I got closer and saw how skinny she was. I noticed her cheekbones almost right after I noticed her. Then I walked passed and smelled some really strong human body odor that seemed to follow me.

Barely 15 ft further down the same sidewalk was a pale girl who was wearing a cream dress that had the lace like a tutu. She was sitting very straight on her knees and asking for spare change. She didn't seem to be talking to the people passing by, it was more of an announcement. Can you spare change?

I rounded the corner to see a white guy with the tips of his gloves cut off, holding a cardboard sign. I didn't read what it said. he was sitting next to the entrance to the mall.

On the next corner was an old bearded black man holding a cup swirling his change around. He was saying, can you help me out?

I think i get why this numbness has started to set in. It is emotionally draining not to be numb when I walk one block to the bus stop.

-------------

So on the upside they have started to treat the clerks pretty well. We lobbied to get included in the legal team meetings and finally won. (so ridiculous that we were excluded btw)

I get to drink the soda in the fridge at work for free. I had 3 free diet cokes today :)

I also got some hellishly big research task that the attorney wanted 2 seconds ago, and I am silly enough to feel bad that I didn't get it done.

This Summer in San Fran...

2008-06-16T00:53:00.002-05:00

Has been pretty amazing actually. I am loving being able to live with my amazing girlfriend.

The job is ok. I do get to do interesting work and i definitely feel as though my work has purpose. The downside is that the clerks really aren't treated as equals. There is a pervasive attitude in the office that the clerks are only going to be there for a summer, so why bother getting invested? This coming from an office in which half of the staff were former clerks. It is pretty ridiculous. Other than that it is totally awesome. I get to drink lots of free sodas and I get all kinds of free food all the time. i love free stuff.

Another downside that I just thought of... the homeless. They are everywhere. And I'm not saying let's put 'em in a van and ship them to D.C. like Atlanta did. I'm saying, there are programs to help these people in other cities that actually work. Why doesn't SF do what the other cities do?

more later...

"I thought you were needy"

2008-04-15T16:17:00.002-05:00

That's a quote by Sandra Bullock from the movie Two Weeks Notice. In the scene she throws 2 quarters into a disheveled, dirty guy's coffee cup and coffee splashes out. The guy says "Hey, what the hell!" or something like that. She says "I'm sorry sir, I thought you were needy."

That is exactly what happened to me today. Well, not exactly. I was driving along and I saw this beat up looking dog. I've seen him before. He was sniffing around on the ground. I thought poor dog he is looking for food. This was in the suburbs, mind you. So I say, I'm going to get him food, I don't have anywhere to be. I run to CVS buy some dog food and paper plates and drive back. Miraculously, he is still in the same spot. So I poor food on the plate and I start walking over to him. Suddenly I think, oh wow. Maybe he belongs to this person and he is in an electric invisible fence. But then he gets closer and barks. So I decide, I might as well give him the food. I wlk to the edge of the yard and drop the plate. Then I walk back to my car. I turn around to see if he took the food. He sniffed it and then walked off, obviously he wasn't hungry. This lady has walked out of the house and is staring at me. I get in my car and drive off.

Sorry dog, I thought you were needy.

I'll try that one again...

2008-03-12T22:32:00.002-05:00

I have been replaying a memory in my mind lately of a dinner party I had during my first semester of law school.

I brought a book of questions, in case things got dull. Of course, we ended up sitting in a circle asking each other questions. I got this question, I can't even remember who asked it, but it was something like "When do you feel the best about yourself?" And, my answer was... After creating something, like a painting or a story I've written. There is nothing like the supreme satisfaction of knowing that you did that. You created that. It is in the world now, for others to see. It isn't an idea, hope, or fleeting thought. If people want to reference it, they have to reference me. I don't care if it's good, as long as I feel like it is good. It is good for me. And that's awesome.

Freud said that people are only motivated by sexual gratification and to feel important. I've never felt so important as I felt after I finished a chapter of a book that has yet to be finished. It isn't so much importance, as a feeling of greatness. When that feeling comes over me, the feeling of greatness, it is totally sublime. No one can bring me down with all of their mess.

So the problem with this place I am at right now... is that I can't create. I have no time or energy or emotional umph. I feel dejected before I can even think that I might like to do something like blog.

Sure I make things during the day. But how can I feel great after writing a memo, that I had to use the exact legal wording and exact format and do it at the exact time in the exact cubicle... you get the point. Where am I in this?

That's why I hate law school right now... because I am not great.

Constant Stress

2008-03-12T22:19:00.002-05:00

So you know how I know that I'm stressed? Because everything falls apart at the same fucking time. I hate cursing, but lately I've enjoyed hearing others do it. And it just seems like they are getting a great satisfaction, but it probably isn't as satisfying... anyways, I digress.

So my fucking contacts are going blurry randomly. Yes, I leave my contacts in too long. Just like I have left them in too long for the past 11 fucking years. And just now, I was driving home and realized I had one eye half closed. I get home and rinse the lens and put it back in. Success! One hour later... I can barely see out of that eye. WTF?!

Guess what else! No. But my wrist hurts. Like a lot. What? WTF?! My gf is coming to visit on friday. I need my arms and hands and wrists and face and ... well you get it. I need all that stuff to be working properly.

So I blew my nose and the snot was not clear. (Sorry mucus haters) But you know what that means. It means I must have a cold coming on. And I was standing up the other day, and an old hip injury HURT so bad. When I say old, I mean it hasn't hurt since 2002... that's like 6 fucking years old.

My mom says stress is cumulative. That's why my grandpa could go fight in WWII and Korea and then in his last few years he couldn't stand the slightest disruption. I think that she must partly be right because I am falling apart. Of course, she is partly wrong because old people are cranky, even if they have lived sheltered, unstressful lives.

Well... I will go fix my eye again.

Fucking hell

Ef this Effing School!

2008-01-21T17:48:00.000-05:00

My law school, which will not be named, sucks! I hate it! I hate the administration, the faculty, the students... effing everyone there (with the exception of maybe 4 or 5 people).

For Ef's sake! They told me that I can't have my summer stipend money because I don't meet the effing GPA requirement! Ef that! This is such BS. I hate them. I am so mad, especially because I relied on that money to get my summer job. No one communicated that anything had changed. and they changed the Gpa shit.

i also can't be a visiting student elsewhere unless i am going to take care of dying family members.

fuck

It's that time again...

2007-12-05T13:27:00.000-05:00

FINALS.

Why can't I do more things in a day? I'm exhausted mentally and physically by the time i get half the things done that i want to get done.

It seems like lately, I need more sleep and more downtime, but this is the time when I don't have time to spare for R&R.

It's making me tired just typing about it. Everything is making me tired. It must be stress-related.

I am in international law right now. I am pretty happy because he is talking about something that I remember studying for transnational law last year. 6 principles of jurisdiction. I don't actually know them very well. But I have some familiarity, which is more than i can say for everything else i need to study for finals.

Naps are fun. I want a nap. I am day-dreaming about my bed. My horribly uncomfortable bed would be so nice right now. Hmm... i think I will do that. Then I will write my gender paper and pay bills.

I stepped on the scale today and i finally lost my added thanksgiving pounds. I'm excited about that. I just have to remind myself not to eat every time i go home...

Ok class is over

Look at me and my not smoking...

2007-11-27T21:02:00.000-05:00

Today I completely ran out of cigarettes. I have been limiting myself to 3 a day and I have done a pretty good job. Today was the 3rd day. Before that i was traveling, so that didn't count. I ran out and I haven't bought more. I am chewing the gum though, so I am not totally going cold turkey.

Everyone is telling me that it isn't a good idea because of exams. Well if not exams, it would be something else. Now is as good a time as any. If I fail then I do, and that's ok. It usually takes smokers, on average, 11 tries before they finally stay quit. I am on number 6. This will be the one. This is my year. I'm 27 and not getting any younger.

Speaking of... I haven't been for a check-up with the dentist in over 4 years. Last year, one of my wisom teeth was infected and so I had an emergency extraction which cost me $200 at the VA. My healthcare is free because I am a veteran, but the dentist isn't. I am thinking about this mainly because I bit into my soft peanut butter and jelly sandwich and felt a pain in my bottom right tooth. The tooth just above it is having problems as well. A filling fell out about 3 months ago, so now I just have a hole there. I was thinking of my reasons for quitting smoking, and I thought I should also be trying to take care of my teeth if i am so concerned for my health.

Pan to me looking online for discount dental plans. All of the plans require you to pay about one hundred and thirty bucks up front. The good news is, with my teeth the way they are, I would probably make that money back in savings rather quickly. But I don't have the money to pay up front right now. I don't have any. I arranged my coins so that i have laundry money and soda at school money. I'm waiting for a check from my mom. My mom is the best. I would have had to quit school by now if it weren't for her.

I also am sneezing all the time. I should really see an allergist and figure out what I am allergic to.

Also, I haven't seen an obgyn in 2 years. I should really make an appointment. I probably have a tumor.

What the hell? I think all this stress from exams is making me a hypochondriac. On the way home from school i was thinking that i need to go on different medicine because if i ever decide to have kids i won't be able to breastfeed with the current medicine. Seriously, I am ruminating on all this crap because of stress from exams. Which is really annoying because I should just focus on things that I can control and actually do something about.

Ugh

Head over feet...

2007-11-26T14:55:00.002-05:00

I love amazing girl. That's what I'm calling her, because she is amazing. I just can't get enough of everything about her.

We had a 13 hour phone conversation one saturday. 13 Hours! I can't believe I just had to leave her a while ago and come back to NY.

This part sucks.

Shame, Shame, know my name...

2007-11-11T21:21:00.001-05:00

As a friend so eloquently reminded me... I am a big lier because I said I would blog, and I haven't blogged.

So here I am, getting back on the horse. I know exactly how it happened that I became this lier, non-blogger. I can explain it to you all so you can be sure that it doesn't happen to you...

It is very similar situation to a long distance relationship (LDR) going south. (as those of you who know me can attest, this is an area I know something about)

First, in the LDR, things are great on the communication front. The phone call is all you have, so you start to tell each other every little thing that happens in each others' day. Much like the beginning of the blog, it is so new that any little thing that pops into your head has to be communicated, for instance, love for lime jello. http://franklinkeller.blogspot.com/2007/05/procrastinating-or-relaxing.html

Next, the little daily routines start to seem too boring and so therefore not worth mentioning and wasting minutes. You no longer want to get on the phone with your long distance girlfriend (or boyfriend) and talk about how you went to the store today and bought, milk, eggs, and fabric softener. This is exactly how the blog starts to die. You begin to think that the little things you think about blogging about aren't quite as brilliant as your previously brilliant posts and so they are boring and not worth mentioning. These are all huge mistakes because the little things are what makes the world go 'round.

Intimacy, in a LDR, is made up of the little things about your day that you communicate to one another. If you were in the same city, in front of each other, you would say "hey i went to the store and got some stuff - it was really crowded and this lady held up the line by buying 5 cartons of unfiltered Pall Malls." But this little story somehow escapes you as unimportant in an LDR. You start to think of the phone calls as the lifeline of the relationship and therefore the calls should be intense connected and professing all sorts of love. Which is exactly the wrong way to think about it, much like writing the blog, when it is wrong to sit down and think about having to write something brilliant. That is a surefire way to get writer's block - or in the case of an LDR - intimacy block.

Eventually you come to this place where you dread the call. You answer the phone and barely can muster the excitement for a simple "hey". You are stuck now, on the call from hell, that goes something like this...

Me: "how was your day?"
Ex-LDR: "fine. How was your day?"
Me: "fine."

:::7 minutes of silence passes::::::

Me: "so what are you doing tonight?"
Ex-LDR: "nothing."
Me: "got anything planned for tomorrow?"
Ex-LDR: "work, same as any other day."

::::::3 more minutes of silence pass::::::::::

Ex-LDR: "did you study?"
Me: "no. not yet."
Ex-LRD: "ok. i will let you go do that then. talk to you later."
Me: "talk to you later."

:::::::fade out::::::::::::::

If you are wondering about the analogy to the blog... it goes something like this...

"i know i haven't written on this blog in awhile, I have lots to say i think. I will write more later when I have time." Then no posts appear for 2 months.

So now that I know what the problem is... I am going to just start writing down every little thing that pops into my mind. I've got to keep the intimacy alive. Another reason for this lesson in "how the blog goes bad" is that I am now in a new relationship. An LDR. Again. Yes, I know. Really. Further away than the last one. I don't want to hear any more flack from anyone. She is so amazing! Completely amazing. I have never clicked with anyone so much in my life.

I mention the LDR because I find myself wanting to creep into the old answers to the question "what are you doing?" Yesterday, I said "nothing." AHHH! no. I can't let that happen. The truth is never "nothing." The correct answer to "what are you doing?" is "I am procrastinating from doing anything resembling schoolwork by watching reruns online of many tv shows. many many tv shows. I also ate 5 slices of pizza, drank 2 liters of diet coke, and played with my cats by running back and forth down my hallway with a q-tip tied to 3 feet of dental floss."

So this is my mantra... it's all about the little stuff. seriously. it's tough. it may sound easy to you amateurs out there... but once you have a blog, you may get my meaning.

Heather Out. (I got this from something this amazing girl sent me from her sister)

Realization...

2007-09-05T00:56:00.000-05:00

I just realized that my blog should be more like a soap opera that has a continuous story line.

I was reading over some old posts and I noticed that there are some things that I just never wrote about that happened...

Well, i'm not going to do it now.

I just realized today. Tomorrow is the writing.

back and forth...

2007-09-05T00:32:00.000-05:00

Im trying to decide what to write. I think i have blog block. You know what I just don't get...

Why I always save everything to the last minute. I am totally exhausted but I still have 5 minutes until my clothes are done in the laundry. Then I have to finish packing for Chicago.

I still haven't read for Con Law tomorrow. I tried. But the case is from 1816. Seriously. It took place in Virginia (my home state). That's all I got.

Ok, so right away - in the first sentence of the case, "he willed his land to a british subject" - I'm thinking... but isn't that illegal to will your land to a foreigner. But I guess not depending on which law you take as the first immigration law. I dont think the Alien and Sedition Acts of 1789 would apply here. Anyways, not the issue... I will read on...

I give up. I will see what OYEZ has to say...

Lord Fairfax held land in Virginia. He was a Loyalist and fled to England during the Revolution. He died in 1781 and left the land to his nephew, Denny Martin, who was a British subject. The following year, the Virginia legislature voided the original land grant and transferred the land back to Virginia. Virginia granted a portion of this land to David Hunter. The Jay Treaty seemed to make clear that Lord Fairfax was entitled to the property. The Supreme Court declared that Fairfax was so entitled, but the Virginia courts, where the suit arose, refused to follow the Supreme Court's decision.

Ah. It's all so clear. Except the part where they say "Acting for the purchasers of the Fairfax estate, John Marshall, then a member of the Virginia legislature..." WTF?

John Marshall was Chief Justice when this case was decided. They talk about him in this case and in the Marbury case as if he were some stranger 3rd party.

Also, this just proves my point that all the cases we read are about rich people with rich peoples problems, because Marshall is not only deciding the cases, but he is a party in them. Was there really only 5 people in Virginia way back then? Why does Marshall keep coming up in the facts of the case?

Ok. i think my laundry is done.

Scary Movie...

2007-09-01T23:39:00.000-05:00

I just saw a horror film...

Akeelah and the Bee.

I've only watched 2 minutes of the film so far, but I already have been terrified.

Why?

The movie was produced by Starbucks Entertainment.

Let's contemplate that...

A coffee company has just produced a motion picture. And people all over the world say "so what?"

SO WHAT?!

I'll tell you what, when did it become ok for a company to own everything? Isn't competition something that is encouraged in capitalism? Well it is definitely something encouraged in a democracy. No company should be allowed to start buying up half the world market. They can start a new company with a new name and a new CEO if they want to be in a new business.

Next thing you know we'll have Starbucks fast food restaurants, starbucks convenient stores, starbucks clothing line. Or, they will all be sold in the same store. You can go in for a coffee and develop your digital photos while you wait for your breakfast burrito and buy that quart of oil for your car.

F-ing Synergy.

Every day corporate America looks more and more like it did right before the great depression.

You know what the leaders of corporate america did when the depression began? fired everyone and left the country. They made a bad situation the worse thing that could ever happen. They were only concerned for their own corporate interests not for the millions of american workers. Who does that sound like? Starbucks, wal-mart, mcdonalds...

I am going to get back to my horror film now

The danger of having no ashtray...

2007-08-22T23:59:00.000-05:00

Last semester sometime when studying for my first round of exams, I was a very pressed for time. I had zero. Everything was stacking up, especially the laundry. While wearing my last clean pair of underwear and a pair of jeans that I'd worn 4 times in a row, I was about to take a shower when I had an idea. I thought it would be a great time saver if I just jumped in the shower with all my clothes on and then washed my clothes before washing myself. Well that was a really bad idea. Because of the humidity my jeans didn't dry for 2 days. I actually wasted more time.

X has a saying. One which she used after I relayed my failed laundry idea. "Some people shouldn't live alone."

Well this saying occurred to me just no as I picked up a half full can of diet coke to take a drink. I left my only ashtray in Maryland. I refuse to buy another because I'd really like to quit smoking someday. This is why I started using my diet coke cans as ashtrays. I have one can as an ashtray and one can that I'm drinking.

Well I got them confused.

Some people shouldn't live alone.

Back on Long Island...

2007-08-21T01:54:00.001-05:00

So I am back in my old place, up to my old tricks. Im staying up all night and sleeping all day. All the while Im watching TV and getting nothing done. Tomorrow I have to wake early and get on a regular schedule.

I miss X and my cats. I miss X but the thought of being in a relationship sends me into a serious state of anxiety. I feel like it is impossible fo rme to have a relationship right now.

My body is reacting with anxiety because we aren't a good fit anymore. Breaking up with L in June was really hard. I don't think I realized just how difficult it was going to be, to have this totally broken up relationship, and then talk to X about shit that happened 6 years ago. Yeah 6. I don't need any of this serious emotional baggage crap.

Everything with X is so intense that I can't handle it. It's impossible to just mess around. I can't even do the friends with benefits thing anymore because I have an anxiety attack if I try.

I could do the casual sleep around thing. But I think I've sewn those wild oats long ago. I'm so over that.

I also can't get over that my apartment doesn't smell like me yet. My home isn't my castle yet. Those people who lived here before didn't stink, they were just different in the "my pheromones and your pheromones don't mix" kind of way.

I instantly dislike people who have pheromones that don't agree with me. It's usually very subtle and I don't know why I dislike them. But it's the pheromones.

That's why I don't understand that pheromone enhancing crap they sell. If it actually worked, why would you want to strengthen your pheromones? You certainly wouldn't do that at the office. Personality conflicts abound. People wear that stuff out to clubs. It's ridiculous. It's just another way of saying I want sex right now. Perfect for the meat market that is the bar. But if you aren't looking for a one-night stand why would you use it? Because you are an idiot.

I am copying this to my other blog because I feel like posting twice. whatever! I do what i want

another thing i didn't finish... the last post

2007-08-18T17:17:00.000-05:00

I am moving back onto Long Island today. I left Maryland at 4:00am. I arrived at 10am. Finally back in my own place, but it doesn't feel like my place. It smells like the sublettors. It doesn't smell bad, it's just not me. I had no sleep. I tried to sleep when I got here but i woke up a few hours later. My allergies are driving me nuts. I feel like poo

The apartment feels really empty without my cats. I left them with X for a little while. It was easier to move. I might move into a smaller place to budget my money better, so it'll be easier to move into a smaller place and bring the cats later.

My brain doesn't work well when I'm tired.

taking stock

2007-08-13T22:27:00.001-05:00

I am at Virginia Beach, or is it "in" Virginia Beach? I am in the area. I am not on the actual beach right now. Hmmm...

My summer is coming to an end. I need to take a minute here and take stock of what I have accomplished this summer:

Number of cigarettes smoked: 840, give or take
Number of alcoholic beverages drank: 16

Number of books read: 2
Number of books I started but didn't finish: 6

Number of times I have tried to diagnose someone I know with a mental illness: 9
Number of people I told that they have a mental illness: 0

Number of times I cried: 5
Number of times that I only cried because I was trying to quit smoking and was therefore much too emotional: 3

Number of times I said "I love my job": too many to count

Number of short-lived crushes: 4

Number of times I felt like I made a complete ass out of myself: too many to count
Number of times I actually made an ass out of myself: probably far less than i think

I will finish this in a little while...

The internet here is screwy

The Dip Weakness...

2007-07-27T21:44:00.000-05:00

I have this chips and dip recipe that I make all the time lately. It is the yummiest. It tastes about a thousand times better than it looks. Why do I make this dip? I won't even cook dinner for myself, but I will whip up this dip in 5 minutes and then chow down. That was my dinner - the dip.

In case there are other people reading this blog who would like to know the dip intimately... here is the recipe:

2 packages cream cheese.
16 oz. of salsa (preferably Pace)
1 chopped tomato
1 bunch of scallions (just the white part - not the green)
1 package of shredded cheddar cheese.

Mix the cream cheese, salsa, toms, and scallions with a hand mixer in a bowl. Top with the cheese. Put in the refrigerator 30 min.

Eat with tortilla chips.

No wonder my "real age" is 30. I went to www.realage.com. apparently I am 30. WTF? My birth certificate says I turn 27 in October. I guess the geniuses behind the real age know better.

I think it is from smoking and eating dip for dinner.

there are some vegetables in it though.

I feel like some blog posts are better than others. I would rate this at the bottom. All the things I can talk about and I talk about Dip.

----

Ok I will now move on to topics with more depth...

I love my family. I really do. But I am happy that I will spend the next 9 months in New York, far away from them.

There is quality time, and then there is time suckage. This past weekend was ok because I got to see my mom and spend quality time. I got to see my nephew "D".

I had ample amounts of time to figure out how to solve the rubik's cube. A guy had one at work and I became obsessed. Now I can solve it in 4 minutes. I am hoping to get that time down to under a minute before I drop this hobby.

Between visiting mom, step-dad, and "D" - I went to see my step-sis in the hospital. I need a pseudonym here and I just can't think of one that fits quite yet.

My sis (she is a step-sis, but I generally say sis for ease of conversation and so that people won't be reminded of the wicked step-sisters in Cinderella, although the comparison might not be far off) is in the psych ward because she is getting ECT electroshock therapy. She is getting this because none of her medications for depression have been working and she is severly depressed. It was pretty severe. I went to see her and she seemed so much better. She was expressing some emotion and she was able to smile sincerely in conversation. The weird thing was that she never blinked the whole time. Her eyes were bugging out of her head. [now you know why my family doesn't get my blog address]

It is this really, really weird thing to deal with. People at worked asked me abotu my weekend and I told them I went to visit my sis in the hospital. They said "is she ok", as people do in polite society. Being the "share-too-much in all honesty" type I said she is ok, she is just getting electro-shock therapy. And then one of two things happen...

1. They seem shocked and then they have a concerned and understanding look on their faces. Then they say - I didn't realize they still performed those.

2. They think I might be kidding (because I say all my jokes deadpan). So they half smile. And then I tell them how she didn't blink. And then it brings on full laughter. And then I say how she is doing much better and she is interacting with her kid better. Suddenly they fall quiet. They realize I am not kidding. They wonder if it was ok to laugh. They realize it is ok to laugh and then they laugh again nervously.

---

I have an extensive knowledge of depression - all self taught, which is possible despite what rich elitists will tell you.

I have first-hand experience as well. I know what that noonday demon feels like. I know how the numbness can be excruciating. When I read Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar I felt as though I seeing myself represented for the first time.

I say all this because - I just don't feel like this is my sis's problem. I just don't believe her. I know that sounds horrible. But doctors are wrong A LOT. Especially psychiatrists and other mental health professionals.

What is obvious to me is that her depression is a manifestation of her borderline personality disorder. I don't understand how a trained professional can't see that.

I say nothing to my sis, because I think that the ECT is working (for now). I was the one who told her she should get it. She said she was severely depressed. When someone is suicidal I think ECT is a very smart option. pills take weeks to work. pills can also help a depressed person become very active and get out of bed and not help them feel mentally better for another 3 weeks or more. Someone who is bedridden with severe depression will be able to get out of bed and have enough momentum to kill themselves. ECT shows results immediately.

Anyway, the point is that I am trying to figure out on what level this is affecting me. This sis in the hospital thing. I worry for her. I worry about myself being around too many mentally ill people. I wonder what will happen when she gets to leave the hospital.

time, time, everywhere there's time... rockin' up the people and breakin' my mind...

2007-07-25T21:00:00.000-05:00

do this, don't do that, can't you read the time?

that's my little variation on the signs song.

it's 10pm. i really, really don't want to sleep. I just want to watch x-files and read my book, and write stuff about my life. I don't want to wake up tomorrow after having no sleep either.

decisions, decisions

ok... i guess i will be a grown up and go to bed...

Wow, a whole week has gone by...

2007-07-23T20:31:00.000-05:00

I've been doing better about the eating healthier fruits and veggies thing. I still have a long way to go, but I am moving in the right direction. It has been way easier to eat good during the day at work. If I bring in healthy food I will eat it. The hard part of the day is when I get home from work. I am so drained. I just feel like stuffing my face with whatever is handy. Today I had Doritos handy. Luckily, tomorrow is a new day.

I went to see my family in Virginia. My step-sis is in the hospital. Psych ward. She is getting ECT (electro-shock) for her depression because nothing else is working. She seems to be doing much better. Although, she didn't blink the entire time I was visiting with her. I guess the real test will be when she is back in society and out of the hospital. Hopefully she will do better then too. Everyone in the family has pretty much lost all faith and respect in her. I think this is a real turning point. If she doesn't get better after this I think everyone will be convinced she just doesn't want to get better. She has been using mental issues as an excuse not to function as a regular person for the past ten years or more.

I feel really bad for her 2 year old son. HE doesn't know what's going on, but this has to be affecting him on some very deep level. It's weird because our memories don't begin until age 4 or so. But all this crap is happening to him now. 25 years from know when he is on some therapist's couch he won't be able to point back to this time and say "i am really screwed up because my mother decided she regretted having me when I was 18 months. She then ignored my existence for the next year - hoping I would disappear if she just didn't acknowledge me."

Too bad. I think something like that would be useful to remember and express.

I am an inconsistent loaf...

2007-07-16T21:36:00.000-05:00

I didn't blog for awhile because it was difficult to get internet access. I damn sure will not enter a blog entry at work. So here I am, stuck in the middle with you.

I am cooking ground beef. I am not a vegetarian. I'd like to be, but that would require me to eat vegetables. I should actually eat more vegetables. I need to go check to see if I've burned the meat... brb loyal, faithful audience... I really will...

See, I'm back - as promised. So what the hell?! I am stressed out. I can't figure out this crazy thing called my life. I love my internship. Love, love, love it. Seriously. But, I feel this chaos creeping up and smacking down my calm moments. Where is it coming from?

I ran all over hither and yon this summer, trying to see my family and friends. I think that is part of it. I went to visit my grandparents in Virginia. My grandfather fainted in his driveway about 2 months ago and hit his head on the car. He has had several bypass surgeries after heart attacks, and he had a stroke years ago. After the driveway incident he was given a clean bill of health by the doctor. I don't know if I really believe that.

While visiting g-ma and g-pa (they have nicknames, but I will refer to them simply as g-ma and g-pa to protect the innocent), I noticed that we have extremely similar dietary habits. They eat junk. Pizza, Mcdonald's, kfc, you name it... they drink coke. I drink diet coke, but I drink such vast quantities I might as well be soaking my liver in it. We went to the grocery store, and everything we bought was prepackaged, pre-cut, low prep time, etc....

This beef I'm cooking, well let's just say that this is the first time all summer I have broken out a skillet.

When did all this lifestyle influence happen? I spent most of my summers there with my grandparents. My brothers, my cousin, and I would leave their house at the end of every summer carrying an extra 10 pounds. My mom on the other hand is the epitome of health. She eats salads and veggies. She takes the stairs instead of the elevator. You get the picture. I guess she never really enforced those habits in her kids. My brother, we'll call him "Chris" for the purposes of this blog, has the same eating habits as I do. He is 22 months younger than me. My youngest brother, he will henceforth be known as "ray" on the blog, is actually pretty healthy. But he was a high school athlete. He is also 6 years younger than me. Maybe he had a different childhood experience at the kitchen table than Chris and I had. Or maybe he just has more self-discipline and takes care of himself. I don't know.

Seeing my g-pa in such physical misery because of his obesity and heart problems has kind of been a wake-up call. I really am bound and determined to quit smoking. I definitely need to change my lifestyle to reflect healthier values.

So it begins... let's hope I am more consistent with this project than I was with writing in the blog.

---------------

Writing in this blog is such a release. I get to vent about all the crazy stuff I'm thinking. I think I will be more at peace if I continue to make the time for Helen and Ben. Ben would definitely be proud of my newfound health calling.

---------------

Note to audience: if you, like me, never had a rubiks cube growing up, and you feel the need to see what all the fuss is about, wait until you really want to feel like an idiot. One of my co-workers had the cube on his desk. I never had played with one before. They are so Freakin' Frustrating! WOW! After work I went to the store and bought one of my very own. I then proceeded to spend the next 4 hours trying to make some kind of progress.

I will try again tomorrow. I will need to feel like an idiot again most likely.

The Wireless Scavenger

2007-06-11T20:28:00.000-05:00

I am sitting in a parking lot of a pub in small town, USA. I saw a flyer in their bathroom last week that said free wireless.

Starbucks is a horrible rip off and they want to charge you to use the internet. Next, they will try to charge you a cover fee just to walk in the door - mark my words.

I decided to see if I could just get the pub's internet signal from the parking lot and hopefully there'd be no security. It is my lucky day - as you can see. I am doing a blog entry.

But now, I am really paranoid. Drunk people keep walking out. They don't seem to notice me.

Uh oh. A guy who works there is taking out the trash. He is walking this way. * I quickly shut off the laptop and pretend to write in my notebook *

Oh, great job Heather! Now instead of thinking I am stealing internet he will think I am a stalker.

2100 hours - subject walks large rubbermaid trashcan full of bottles out to a non-recycling dumpster.

Damn! He will probably say something. Maybe I can move to the adjacent parking lot and still get a signal.

As I burn rubber to get out of there quickly, I realize that I should try and act nonshalant.

Ok good. Signal is good over here. But, uh oh. There is a cop car. Did they call the cops?! Is it illegal to use someone's wireless signal?

Oh, he is just getting pizza at the pizza parlor I am next to.

-------

Obviously I have been very paranoid lately. I need to chill. I am making everyone at work less relaxed. Which is horrible because it is such a relaxed and easy going workplace and I am fucking it up with my psycho energy levels and anxious paranoid behavior.

Well, my milk that I just bought is getting cold.

Note to self- buy milk after stealing internet next time

Today's entry...

2007-06-03T18:53:00.000-05:00

So this has been quite the weekend. L and I have been talking, or more like arguing. She seems to think that we haven't broken up yet. I don't know what to do. She keeps talking circles around me and saying all the things I wanted to hear 2 months ago.

We are supposed to talk later tonight. I can't predict how that will go.

Ok I have to cut this short. My battery is about to die.

More on this later.

These journal things are just to catch you up...

2007-06-03T18:46:00.000-05:00

10:22pm on May 29, 2007. I had an amazing first day at work. The people are great. There doesn’t seem to be any cliques. Everyone is patient and never puts down anyone. There doesn’t seem to be any office gossip. They all have a really terrific attitude. If we have questions they never say we will get to that later. They always stop and answer it no matter what. Everyone was in jeans today. It was awesome. I need to buy some nice jeans to wear to work.

I am so tired. The worst part is that I have a 2 hour commute. That is not fun, not fun at all. I went to eat Mexican with Alabama and her housemate. I will call her housemate Berri for the purposes of this blog. It is incredible. They both seem to have ADD. They jump topics all around and they always repeat themselves over and over. I know Alabama does that, but I am not sure if Berri does that on her own or if she is just conforming to Alabama’s communication. I am worried she might read this but I do have a password on the computer. I know that she has difficulty with boundaries. But she is incredibly good to me by letting me stay here rent free this summer. That is a huge help. I tried to call L for her birthday twice. She never answered. I left 2 messages. I also called X. I wanted to know if she was back yet. She isn’t. I wanted to get the wireless internet today. There was no time. I hate not having internet. I feel like a grounded teenager.

More journaling...

2007-06-03T18:44:00.000-05:00

12:14 am on May 29, 2007. Today is L’s birthday (officially because it is after midnight). I thought about calling her but she is one hour behind. It isn’t her birthday in TX yet. I guess I will call tomorrow. I really would feel horrible if I didn’t get to wish her a happy birthday. I already feel badly that I haven’t sent her a gift yet.

I took a benedryl to help me sleep. I didn’t wake up until 1:30 pm today so I wasn’t really tired. I shopped and bought 2 shirts and some earrings.

I will call my roommate "Alabama" for the purposes of this blog. Alabama took me down to ride the Metro and we found the building where I will need to go tomorrow AM. I am less nervous now that I have an idea of where I need to go. It will be 1 hour and 45 minute commute (at least). Crazy. I am supposed to bring in my suit to work so we can have it just in case there is an important thing we should dress up for. I think I should bring my suit. I don’t want to drag it on to the Metro and have to lug it around on my first day. I also don’t think my suit is completely clean. Although, I really don’t want to look irresponsible on my first day. I do have some DRYEL stuff so maybe I could fake dry clean it before I leave. Well, I don’t know what to do. I guess in circumstances where I don’t know what to do I should err on the side of caution. Ugh. one more thing to remember for tomorrow morning. I hope I get some sleep. I hope my cats don’t wake me up. I hope I don’t get lost or mugged on the way to work tomorrow.

More of a journal entry than a blog post...

2007-06-03T18:42:00.000-05:00

4:30 AM on May 28, 2007. the cats are driving me totally crazy lately. There is a little window close to the ceiling with a ledge that has just enough room for both of them to look out. But of course they can’t share it. Dana put her claws in the screen and it moved. Now she thinks there is some way that she can open the screen and get outside. She keeps putting her claws in the screen and meowing. meow, meow, meow. the meowing is non-stop. We are in a basement apartment so the window is directly at ground level outside.

I want to wake up in a few hours and go to the mall. I’d like a haircut. I’d like to buy a new outfit for work. I would also like to buy the Ralph Lauren shampoo that makes me feel so nice. I have bad dandruff right now. The RL shampoo has always taken away my dandruff, at least temporarily.

Merciful heavens, the meowing has stopped. Nope, I spoke too soon. More clawing at the window. Crap. Now I have to shut the window. Dana is now putting both paws against the window and trying to scratch the window open. It is kind of like an aerobics class. It looks like she is running in place with her front paws on the window. I feel bad now because she is upset. She stopped the aerobics and is now laying on the window ledge glaring at me without blinking.

I unpacked most of the things from my car finally. I can’t seem to find my cell phone charger. The phone died yesterday. I hope I didn’t leave the charger in Virginia. I feel really out of touch now – disconnected. No internet also. Well, my new roomie has internet, but it is connected to her computer. I can check all my email. I just did the blog update. But, I wish I could watch my instant viewing Netflix in my room. I am not sure exactly how the wireless internet works. I think I just need to buy a router. I guess I’ll ask some person over at Circuit City.

In addition, I have not yet found the welcome packet from the internship. I really need to find that. DAMN. I feel so freakin’ disorganized right now.

More meowing. I thought she wanted to play. I got out the laser pointer toy and she just ignored me.

and the answer is 'go'...

2007-05-28T02:23:00.001-05:00

I am adjusting to my new surroundings in Woodstock, MD. I like that I am in a place called woodstock. I like the horses and cows and all the "out in the country" surroundings here.

This has been kind of a difficult break so far. L and I broke up. One of the most difficult break-ups I have had to do. The distance, our personality differences, and different attitudes about relationships were just too much for me. I can't do it anymore. It sucks to realize after two years and four months that L and I are fundamentally very different people. And those differences can't be reconcilled.

Well this post is really depressing me so I will finish up...

I'll write more soon...

There is this thing called a library...

2007-05-12T19:15:00.000-05:00

I just had a realization today. I have lately been thinking of all the education I would like have, and all the degrees that go along with it. I get overwhelmed at the thought of more school, mostly because it means more money and no income.

But today I realized that I don't need school to get an education. Of course, this is one of those fundamental truths that we all know. But this thought never rang true for me until today.

I watched the Noam Chomsky documentary Rebel Without a Pause. It occurred to me that Chomsky knows what he knows because he reads on his own, every day. Most of his speeches come from things he taught himself and not things he learned at a school. Although, he did go to school and get his PhD.

So I have just decided that when I want to know something about a certain field, I will read all about it. People will respect what I have to say because it will come from a place of knowledge. It won't matter that I don't have the degree, if what I say is really a truth.

Should I stay or should I go now...

2007-05-10T22:10:00.000-05:00

L and I just got into an argument. I tried to talk to her about the calling me irresponsible thing.

It did not go well.

She said I get upset whenever she makes a comment about things I am doing in my life. She says I'm too sensitive. She called me a drama queen. It's amazing to me that I get called the drama queen.

I go out of my way to start with "I.." statements, instead of "You..." statements. I do everything I think I can to try to communicate. I don't know what else to do.

She confesed that she doesn't understand me, and she says I don't understand her.

I know this.

I want to work on things. I kept asking her if she would work on things, she never said anything in response.

She kept saying she doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who gets offended by everything she says.

After I suggested we try to understand each other. She said it is ok if i don't understand her because she loves me.

I said that I suffer horribly when I am misunderstood. She said well then maybe I am not the right person for you.

------------------------

Wow. This writing down the conversation things is helping me understand things better. When I read what was said, I realize that she doesn't want to be with me. She doesn't really want to work on anything. What is the point? I love her. She loves me. But is love a license to make another person miserable. Some people say yes.

I just don't know.

Aftershocks...

2007-05-08T08:12:00.000-05:00

The Civil Procedure final exam is done. I was ecstatic walking out of the exam. I felt so awesome, weight lifted and all that. After that I went to blockbuster to reward myself. L called while I was in blockbuster. She wanted to know how the exam went, which was incredibly sweet of her. Then I mentioned that I had 4 movies in my hand.
She said, "There is a difference between rewarding yourself and being irresponsible."

I said, "I wasn't going to get all of them - MOM!" I said this because she sounded exactly like my mother. She wasn't wrong. She was just wrong in thinking she could speak to me like my mother. I don't think a person should call their partner irresponsible unless they want a parent/child relationship. And I really don't want that. After I told her how I felt about that, she got mad at me and wouldn't talk about it anymore. She said that she is too mad about it now and she wanted to talk about it later.

What just happened? I just tried to explain that I felt like it was unhealthy for our relationship for her to call me irresponsible - she's done it before. And, I really don't think I am that irresponsible. If I goof off instead of doing things I should be doing, I take full responsibility for the consequences (and I know what the consequences are).

So now L is pissed at me.

I rented 4 DVDs, 2 of which are TV episodes of the show Medium and are therefore longer than a movie. HA!

I watched the Medium DVDs. That is a good show. I was surprised. It freaks me out that the show is based on the true life of this woman psychic, the real Allison something.

Then I studied for Transnational Law, not a smart move strategically in the studying game as my next final is in Contracts.

However, I am meeting my Transnational Law professor at 12 to go over a practice test. I want to look like I know my stuff. This is one professor I actually think is halfway good, and I have her next Fall for Immigration Law.

-------------------------------

Today:
-Meet with Professor
-Eat Lunch
-Study Contracts

That's all I have to do. And I need to get some sleep. I have been seriously having difficulty sleeping. I was so pissed of that I dreamt about civ pro last night. My brain should have dumped that information out onto the exam and never looked at it again. (My brain obviously doesn't obey me)

I also should do something about my complete lack of clean clothes. I have zero pairs of clean underwear. One pair of clean socks left. Two semi-clean pairs of pants. And, zero clean shirts.

The underwear and shirts pose the greatest problem. I am getting old. I rarely go without underwear anymore. When I was about 19, I only owned 3 or 4 pairs of underwear, because I never wore underwear except in cases of emergency or stripteases. Now I have about 20 pairs and I need more because I hate it when I run out of clean ones. I feel naked if I don't wear them. I worry that I will forget to zip the fly of my jeans and people will be able to see my *****. They will all laugh and I will be embarrassed forever.

So I will need to find time in my day for laundry, or better yet drop off a bag at the cleaners to do it for me.

I have also run out of toothpaste.

I am eating Cheerios right now - with no milk. I have no milk. It is terrible to have cereal and no milk.

How do I get all this done? Ok, let's see. I will stop at the drugstore on the way to school and pick up toothpaste and milk. NO, no, no - the milk will be bad by the time i get home. Ok, get ready to go sans underwear. Then I will get a load of laundry to drop off at the cleaners on the way to school. I will read about the Foreign Sovereign Immunities Act and the Act of State Doctrine as quickly as possible once I get there. I must remember to completely avoid all eye contact with nonapproved law students. Then I will meet with the professor, drive home and on the way i will get milk and toothpaste. Study and later pick up the clothes. Ok good plan.

I must avoid the nonapproved law students because the are all completely off their rockers right now because of finals. They transfer their anxiety to everyone they meet. And they are full of rumour and conjecture about what will be on the exam. All their theories are certain to be false and probably purposefully false to get everyone else to fail so they can get an A. There are a few students who I have approved for contact.

These approved people understand that there is a world outside of law school. They are not completely and entirely consumed by exams and they know that while we are sitting in our ventilated classrooms, paying for lunch with student loans, and taking luxuries like spending all day studying - there are people starving in the world. There are people at war. There houses bombed. Their families gone. These approved students know these exams are barely a beep on the radar screen of life, and in the long run are meaningless. The grades are an arbitrary attempt at packaging us all in the same little boxes made of ticky-tack and stamped outside with a giant number (our class rank), so we can be sent off into the world, measured and prejudged.

I gotta get in the shower...

38% down... and don't forget the curve...

2007-05-06T21:17:00.000-05:00

So I'm exhausted. I've learned 38% of the material. I have essentially crammed 38% of an entire semester in my nogin over the course of 24 hours.

So I keep saying "Why did I not study earlier, why do I always wait until the last possible minute?"

Once this is over I have a very limited time to study for my Contracts final... one thing at a time, one thing at a time.

The trick is to keep my mind relaxed. Ha ha, fat chance. But seriously, if I can just relax I will have greater access to my brain's potential capacity. I will be able to store information better and retrieve it better. I have pills for anxiety and I am wondering if an externally induced relaxedness produces the same affect. I really don't think so. The nimbleness and dexterity would all be cancelled out by the additional tiredness as a side effect.

Now I need a paradigm shift. I need to have this strong and real vision to help me think of this test in such a way that I can approach it in a relaxed, calm way.

...

I am eating broccoli. It is brain food. In the morning I will eat blueberries - they are also brain food. I need to remember to stand on my head. Then all the blood will rush to my brain and maybe help it work better.

I should also remember to get some red bull maybe. I don't know. I am worried about making through the entire exam without fatigue.

------------------------

My new paradigm is that in order not to fail I have to do better than 6% of my class. That is about 8 people. I can do better than 8 people.

To get a B- I will need to do better than 21% of the class. That is about 30 people out of a class of about 120 or so. I don't know if I can do it. But I am pretty sure I can. At least 15 people are saying fuck law school, and they have been saying this all semester, so not only have they done as little as I have all semester, but they also weren't cramming 38% of the material into their heads. Then there is the bullshit factor. I am really good at slinging bullshit around. That got me 10 points on the third section of last semester's final. A final in which the workhorse of the class (he studies 16 hours a day) also got 10 points on the third section. And he studied a LOT more than me. I did also, in fact, get a B on the last final. And, a girl in the class who is also a workhorse got a B-.

::::::::::grin:::::::::::::

I am putting all my faith on lucky number 30... Just 30 people. These grades are so arbitrary. I think I am better off. I have been goofing off all semester and enjoying my life, while another girl who is more stressed out than me, has worked harder than me, gets a B- while I get a B.

Ain't Life Grand. :)

(Paradigm shift accomplished)

What's it all for?

2007-05-06T17:09:00.000-05:00

Listen to this Helen and Ben... we got a compliment today on the blog. Hooray!

I like compliments.

Now, I feel as though I met my goal of learning 10% more. Now I know 20% of the material. I did already take my 30 minute break. For the sake of accuracy pretend like 30 minutes equals 2 hours.

I called L. She didn't feel much like talking. I told her that I am so worried about tomorrow's final and I will fail everything for sure. She said "ok". OK?! What the hell?!

So then I download a movie from Amazon... and of course watch the entire thing. I watched A Little Trip to Heaven with Julia Stiles and Forest Whitaker. Julia Stiles was in one of my brother's science classes at Columbia. (or so he says)

The movie was o.k., I feel as though the 3 main actors could have portrayed their characters with better dimension. It was difficult to feel empathy for any of them. Peter Coyote did a terrific job in his small role.

I think it would have been better if we saw the accident seen a little later on. I would've liked to seen it edited in after the resolution of the bus insurance.

Other than that this movie could have been a lot better. It wasn't bad. It just didn't have that "it factor".

Definitely would have made a difference if we liked Forest Whitaker's character more.

__________________

Alright, Now that was a relief. I am so glad I got my movie watching out of the way. I would hate to procrastinate on that. Now I can reward myself by trying to learn about Discovery in a litigation.

or...

no, i can't do anything else. i have to study. What if I fail? then I guess I will retake the class. Will it make me graduate later? no. Would I feel great and horrible shame? maybe for a short time, but I would get over it fairly quickly. In fact, I wouldn't mind taking this class again. I learn things better the second time I hear them.

Now that I have resigned myself to being comfortable with an F, i still think I have to study.

I will eat a butterfinger and then read about Discovery. No, I will eat a butterfinger, open my ninth Diet Coke of the day, smoke a cigarette, and then read about Discovery. That is a damn good plan.

Last Day to Study...

2007-05-06T10:54:00.000-05:00

My Civil Procedure Exam is in less than 24 hours. I would estimate that I know 10% of the material so far.

Gee, what should I be doing right at this moment?

Trying to beat my record at Freecell? nope

Spending hours on Netflix? nope

Taking a shower? well I could do that... I need a shower. brb...

---

the shower felt great. Now I am ready to go study... ugh...

I will set a small goal... 10% more of the material. That is my goal. When I meet that goal I will get, a 30 min. break. I will call my girlfriend. Her alias on this blog will be L.

Here I go!

Procrastinating or Relaxing?

2007-05-05T14:52:00.000-05:00

I just got off the phone. X is good.

I got the mail, and a new netflix film came! Hooray! Now I have another thing I can do instead of studying for finals. Should I be feeling guilty? I don't know. I kind of am just not caring right now. I don't know if this law school stuff is for me. I feel as though I've been beaten against a rock in a dirty river and thrown in the back seat of someone's car, only to be discovered weeks later stinky and mildewed.

I am now eating Lime Jello... and drinking my sixth diet coke of the day. Next I will email my pal the link to this brilliant thing called my blog. I really dig Jello. It is genius. I need to go buy more at the store. All you need is water and time. Jello is really filling too. I can probably buy 15 boxes for $20. That is like 15 meals. The best part is the sugar. I am having a torrid love affair with refined sugar. And the colors! Ooo pretty. I need to find a blue one. I don't like to put fruit inside the Jello. It totally ruins the Jello. But I am not opposed to putting fruit on the side.

I just spell checked. It said that "someone's" up there is wrong. They suggest some one's or someones. That doesn't sound right to me. If anyone knows the right way, let me know. Leave a comment.

I have commenced movie watching...

About this Blog...

2007-05-05T13:58:00.000-05:00

I needed to make a new blog because my political tirades are out of place in my other blog http://scoobygangsepigram.blogspot.com/ - that is a place for me and my friends to keep up with the goings-on in each other's lives. I also wanted a place to complain about law school. Really, I am the only one I expect will read this.

Why Helen and Ben? I named the blog after my 2 idols, Helen Keller and Benjamin Franklin. I don't really expect them to be a theme, or even come up at any other time. I just needed a name, and I suck at coming up with names.

_________________________

Now for today's post...

It is May something... Oh no! It is the 5th. My rent is due by the 5th. Piss! Ok I will be right back...

...

Ok, back. Just in time. Now I am on the phone with my ex-girlfriend. I will call her X (original, I know).