I'll try that one again...

I have been replaying a memory in my mind lately of a dinner party I had during my first semester of law school.

I brought a book of questions, in case things got dull. Of course, we ended up sitting in a circle asking each other questions. I got this question, I can't even remember who asked it, but it was something like "When do you feel the best about yourself?" And, my answer was... After creating something, like a painting or a story I've written. There is nothing like the supreme satisfaction of knowing that you did that. You created that. It is in the world now, for others to see. It isn't an idea, hope, or fleeting thought. If people want to reference it, they have to reference me. I don't care if it's good, as long as I feel like it is good. It is good for me. And that's awesome.

Freud said that people are only motivated by sexual gratification and to feel important. I've never felt so important as I felt after I finished a chapter of a book that has yet to be finished. It isn't so much importance, as a feeling of greatness. When that feeling comes over me, the feeling of greatness, it is totally sublime. No one can bring me down with all of their mess.

So the problem with this place I am at right now... is that I can't create. I have no time or energy or emotional umph. I feel dejected before I can even think that I might like to do something like blog.

Sure I make things during the day. But how can I feel great after writing a memo, that I had to use the exact legal wording and exact format and do it at the exact time in the exact cubicle... you get the point. Where am I in this?

That's why I hate law school right now... because I am not great.

Constant Stress

So you know how I know that I'm stressed? Because everything falls apart at the same fucking time. I hate cursing, but lately I've enjoyed hearing others do it. And it just seems like they are getting a great satisfaction, but it probably isn't as satisfying... anyways, I digress.

So my fucking contacts are going blurry randomly. Yes, I leave my contacts in too long. Just like I have left them in too long for the past 11 fucking years. And just now, I was driving home and realized I had one eye half closed. I get home and rinse the lens and put it back in. Success! One hour later... I can barely see out of that eye. WTF?!

Guess what else! No. But my wrist hurts. Like a lot. What? WTF?! My gf is coming to visit on friday. I need my arms and hands and wrists and face and ... well you get it. I need all that stuff to be working properly.

So I blew my nose and the snot was not clear. (Sorry mucus haters) But you know what that means. It means I must have a cold coming on. And I was standing up the other day, and an old hip injury HURT so bad. When I say old, I mean it hasn't hurt since 2002... that's like 6 fucking years old.

My mom says stress is cumulative. That's why my grandpa could go fight in WWII and Korea and then in his last few years he couldn't stand the slightest disruption. I think that she must partly be right because I am falling apart. Of course, she is partly wrong because old people are cranky, even if they have lived sheltered, unstressful lives.

Well... I will go fix my eye again.

Fucking hell