I am adjusting to my new surroundings in Woodstock, MD. I like that I am in a place called woodstock. I like the horses and cows and all the "out in the country" surroundings here.
This has been kind of a difficult break so far. L and I broke up. One of the most difficult break-ups I have had to do. The distance, our personality differences, and different attitudes about relationships were just too much for me. I can't do it anymore. It sucks to realize after two years and four months that L and I are fundamentally very different people. And those differences can't be reconcilled.
Well this post is really depressing me so I will finish up...
I'll write more soon...
Monday, May 28, 2007
Saturday, May 12, 2007
There is this thing called a library...
I just had a realization today. I have lately been thinking of all the education I would like have, and all the degrees that go along with it. I get overwhelmed at the thought of more school, mostly because it means more money and no income.
But today I realized that I don't need school to get an education. Of course, this is one of those fundamental truths that we all know. But this thought never rang true for me until today.
I watched the Noam Chomsky documentary Rebel Without a Pause. It occurred to me that Chomsky knows what he knows because he reads on his own, every day. Most of his speeches come from things he taught himself and not things he learned at a school. Although, he did go to school and get his PhD.
So I have just decided that when I want to know something about a certain field, I will read all about it. People will respect what I have to say because it will come from a place of knowledge. It won't matter that I don't have the degree, if what I say is really a truth.
But today I realized that I don't need school to get an education. Of course, this is one of those fundamental truths that we all know. But this thought never rang true for me until today.
I watched the Noam Chomsky documentary Rebel Without a Pause. It occurred to me that Chomsky knows what he knows because he reads on his own, every day. Most of his speeches come from things he taught himself and not things he learned at a school. Although, he did go to school and get his PhD.
So I have just decided that when I want to know something about a certain field, I will read all about it. People will respect what I have to say because it will come from a place of knowledge. It won't matter that I don't have the degree, if what I say is really a truth.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Should I stay or should I go now...
L and I just got into an argument. I tried to talk to her about the calling me irresponsible thing.
It did not go well.
She said I get upset whenever she makes a comment about things I am doing in my life. She says I'm too sensitive. She called me a drama queen. It's amazing to me that I get called the drama queen.
I go out of my way to start with "I.." statements, instead of "You..." statements. I do everything I think I can to try to communicate. I don't know what else to do.
She confesed that she doesn't understand me, and she says I don't understand her.
I know this.
I want to work on things. I kept asking her if she would work on things, she never said anything in response.
She kept saying she doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who gets offended by everything she says.
After I suggested we try to understand each other. She said it is ok if i don't understand her because she loves me.
I said that I suffer horribly when I am misunderstood. She said well then maybe I am not the right person for you.
------------------------
Wow. This writing down the conversation things is helping me understand things better. When I read what was said, I realize that she doesn't want to be with me. She doesn't really want to work on anything. What is the point? I love her. She loves me. But is love a license to make another person miserable. Some people say yes.
I just don't know.
It did not go well.
She said I get upset whenever she makes a comment about things I am doing in my life. She says I'm too sensitive. She called me a drama queen. It's amazing to me that I get called the drama queen.
I go out of my way to start with "I.." statements, instead of "You..." statements. I do everything I think I can to try to communicate. I don't know what else to do.
She confesed that she doesn't understand me, and she says I don't understand her.
I know this.
I want to work on things. I kept asking her if she would work on things, she never said anything in response.
She kept saying she doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who gets offended by everything she says.
After I suggested we try to understand each other. She said it is ok if i don't understand her because she loves me.
I said that I suffer horribly when I am misunderstood. She said well then maybe I am not the right person for you.
------------------------
Wow. This writing down the conversation things is helping me understand things better. When I read what was said, I realize that she doesn't want to be with me. She doesn't really want to work on anything. What is the point? I love her. She loves me. But is love a license to make another person miserable. Some people say yes.
I just don't know.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Aftershocks...
The Civil Procedure final exam is done. I was ecstatic walking out of the exam. I felt so awesome, weight lifted and all that. After that I went to blockbuster to reward myself. L called while I was in blockbuster. She wanted to know how the exam went, which was incredibly sweet of her. Then I mentioned that I had 4 movies in my hand.
She said, "There is a difference between rewarding yourself and being irresponsible."
I said, "I wasn't going to get all of them - MOM!" I said this because she sounded exactly like my mother. She wasn't wrong. She was just wrong in thinking she could speak to me like my mother. I don't think a person should call their partner irresponsible unless they want a parent/child relationship. And I really don't want that. After I told her how I felt about that, she got mad at me and wouldn't talk about it anymore. She said that she is too mad about it now and she wanted to talk about it later.
What just happened? I just tried to explain that I felt like it was unhealthy for our relationship for her to call me irresponsible - she's done it before. And, I really don't think I am that irresponsible. If I goof off instead of doing things I should be doing, I take full responsibility for the consequences (and I know what the consequences are).
So now L is pissed at me.
I rented 4 DVDs, 2 of which are TV episodes of the show Medium and are therefore longer than a movie. HA!
I watched the Medium DVDs. That is a good show. I was surprised. It freaks me out that the show is based on the true life of this woman psychic, the real Allison something.
Then I studied for Transnational Law, not a smart move strategically in the studying game as my next final is in Contracts.
However, I am meeting my Transnational Law professor at 12 to go over a practice test. I want to look like I know my stuff. This is one professor I actually think is halfway good, and I have her next Fall for Immigration Law.
-------------------------------
Today:
-Meet with Professor
-Eat Lunch
-Study Contracts
That's all I have to do. And I need to get some sleep. I have been seriously having difficulty sleeping. I was so pissed of that I dreamt about civ pro last night. My brain should have dumped that information out onto the exam and never looked at it again. (My brain obviously doesn't obey me)
I also should do something about my complete lack of clean clothes. I have zero pairs of clean underwear. One pair of clean socks left. Two semi-clean pairs of pants. And, zero clean shirts.
The underwear and shirts pose the greatest problem. I am getting old. I rarely go without underwear anymore. When I was about 19, I only owned 3 or 4 pairs of underwear, because I never wore underwear except in cases of emergency or stripteases. Now I have about 20 pairs and I need more because I hate it when I run out of clean ones. I feel naked if I don't wear them. I worry that I will forget to zip the fly of my jeans and people will be able to see my *****. They will all laugh and I will be embarrassed forever.
So I will need to find time in my day for laundry, or better yet drop off a bag at the cleaners to do it for me.
I have also run out of toothpaste.
I am eating Cheerios right now - with no milk. I have no milk. It is terrible to have cereal and no milk.
How do I get all this done? Ok, let's see. I will stop at the drugstore on the way to school and pick up toothpaste and milk. NO, no, no - the milk will be bad by the time i get home. Ok, get ready to go sans underwear. Then I will get a load of laundry to drop off at the cleaners on the way to school. I will read about the Foreign Sovereign Immunities Act and the Act of State Doctrine as quickly as possible once I get there. I must remember to completely avoid all eye contact with nonapproved law students. Then I will meet with the professor, drive home and on the way i will get milk and toothpaste. Study and later pick up the clothes. Ok good plan.
I must avoid the nonapproved law students because the are all completely off their rockers right now because of finals. They transfer their anxiety to everyone they meet. And they are full of rumour and conjecture about what will be on the exam. All their theories are certain to be false and probably purposefully false to get everyone else to fail so they can get an A. There are a few students who I have approved for contact.
These approved people understand that there is a world outside of law school. They are not completely and entirely consumed by exams and they know that while we are sitting in our ventilated classrooms, paying for lunch with student loans, and taking luxuries like spending all day studying - there are people starving in the world. There are people at war. There houses bombed. Their families gone. These approved students know these exams are barely a beep on the radar screen of life, and in the long run are meaningless. The grades are an arbitrary attempt at packaging us all in the same little boxes made of ticky-tack and stamped outside with a giant number (our class rank), so we can be sent off into the world, measured and prejudged.
I gotta get in the shower...
She said, "There is a difference between rewarding yourself and being irresponsible."
I said, "I wasn't going to get all of them - MOM!" I said this because she sounded exactly like my mother. She wasn't wrong. She was just wrong in thinking she could speak to me like my mother. I don't think a person should call their partner irresponsible unless they want a parent/child relationship. And I really don't want that. After I told her how I felt about that, she got mad at me and wouldn't talk about it anymore. She said that she is too mad about it now and she wanted to talk about it later.
What just happened? I just tried to explain that I felt like it was unhealthy for our relationship for her to call me irresponsible - she's done it before. And, I really don't think I am that irresponsible. If I goof off instead of doing things I should be doing, I take full responsibility for the consequences (and I know what the consequences are).
So now L is pissed at me.
I rented 4 DVDs, 2 of which are TV episodes of the show Medium and are therefore longer than a movie. HA!
I watched the Medium DVDs. That is a good show. I was surprised. It freaks me out that the show is based on the true life of this woman psychic, the real Allison something.
Then I studied for Transnational Law, not a smart move strategically in the studying game as my next final is in Contracts.
However, I am meeting my Transnational Law professor at 12 to go over a practice test. I want to look like I know my stuff. This is one professor I actually think is halfway good, and I have her next Fall for Immigration Law.
-------------------------------
Today:
-Meet with Professor
-Eat Lunch
-Study Contracts
That's all I have to do. And I need to get some sleep. I have been seriously having difficulty sleeping. I was so pissed of that I dreamt about civ pro last night. My brain should have dumped that information out onto the exam and never looked at it again. (My brain obviously doesn't obey me)
I also should do something about my complete lack of clean clothes. I have zero pairs of clean underwear. One pair of clean socks left. Two semi-clean pairs of pants. And, zero clean shirts.
The underwear and shirts pose the greatest problem. I am getting old. I rarely go without underwear anymore. When I was about 19, I only owned 3 or 4 pairs of underwear, because I never wore underwear except in cases of emergency or stripteases. Now I have about 20 pairs and I need more because I hate it when I run out of clean ones. I feel naked if I don't wear them. I worry that I will forget to zip the fly of my jeans and people will be able to see my *****. They will all laugh and I will be embarrassed forever.
So I will need to find time in my day for laundry, or better yet drop off a bag at the cleaners to do it for me.
I have also run out of toothpaste.
I am eating Cheerios right now - with no milk. I have no milk. It is terrible to have cereal and no milk.
How do I get all this done? Ok, let's see. I will stop at the drugstore on the way to school and pick up toothpaste and milk. NO, no, no - the milk will be bad by the time i get home. Ok, get ready to go sans underwear. Then I will get a load of laundry to drop off at the cleaners on the way to school. I will read about the Foreign Sovereign Immunities Act and the Act of State Doctrine as quickly as possible once I get there. I must remember to completely avoid all eye contact with nonapproved law students. Then I will meet with the professor, drive home and on the way i will get milk and toothpaste. Study and later pick up the clothes. Ok good plan.
I must avoid the nonapproved law students because the are all completely off their rockers right now because of finals. They transfer their anxiety to everyone they meet. And they are full of rumour and conjecture about what will be on the exam. All their theories are certain to be false and probably purposefully false to get everyone else to fail so they can get an A. There are a few students who I have approved for contact.
These approved people understand that there is a world outside of law school. They are not completely and entirely consumed by exams and they know that while we are sitting in our ventilated classrooms, paying for lunch with student loans, and taking luxuries like spending all day studying - there are people starving in the world. There are people at war. There houses bombed. Their families gone. These approved students know these exams are barely a beep on the radar screen of life, and in the long run are meaningless. The grades are an arbitrary attempt at packaging us all in the same little boxes made of ticky-tack and stamped outside with a giant number (our class rank), so we can be sent off into the world, measured and prejudged.
I gotta get in the shower...
Sunday, May 6, 2007
38% down... and don't forget the curve...
So I'm exhausted. I've learned 38% of the material. I have essentially crammed 38% of an entire semester in my nogin over the course of 24 hours.
So I keep saying "Why did I not study earlier, why do I always wait until the last possible minute?"
Once this is over I have a very limited time to study for my Contracts final... one thing at a time, one thing at a time.
The trick is to keep my mind relaxed. Ha ha, fat chance. But seriously, if I can just relax I will have greater access to my brain's potential capacity. I will be able to store information better and retrieve it better. I have pills for anxiety and I am wondering if an externally induced relaxedness produces the same affect. I really don't think so. The nimbleness and dexterity would all be cancelled out by the additional tiredness as a side effect.
Now I need a paradigm shift. I need to have this strong and real vision to help me think of this test in such a way that I can approach it in a relaxed, calm way.
...
I am eating broccoli. It is brain food. In the morning I will eat blueberries - they are also brain food. I need to remember to stand on my head. Then all the blood will rush to my brain and maybe help it work better.
I should also remember to get some red bull maybe. I don't know. I am worried about making through the entire exam without fatigue.
------------------------
My new paradigm is that in order not to fail I have to do better than 6% of my class. That is about 8 people. I can do better than 8 people.
To get a B- I will need to do better than 21% of the class. That is about 30 people out of a class of about 120 or so. I don't know if I can do it. But I am pretty sure I can. At least 15 people are saying fuck law school, and they have been saying this all semester, so not only have they done as little as I have all semester, but they also weren't cramming 38% of the material into their heads. Then there is the bullshit factor. I am really good at slinging bullshit around. That got me 10 points on the third section of last semester's final. A final in which the workhorse of the class (he studies 16 hours a day) also got 10 points on the third section. And he studied a LOT more than me. I did also, in fact, get a B on the last final. And, a girl in the class who is also a workhorse got a B-.
::::::::::grin:::::::::::::
I am putting all my faith on lucky number 30... Just 30 people. These grades are so arbitrary. I think I am better off. I have been goofing off all semester and enjoying my life, while another girl who is more stressed out than me, has worked harder than me, gets a B- while I get a B.
Ain't Life Grand. :)
(Paradigm shift accomplished)
So I keep saying "Why did I not study earlier, why do I always wait until the last possible minute?"
Once this is over I have a very limited time to study for my Contracts final... one thing at a time, one thing at a time.
The trick is to keep my mind relaxed. Ha ha, fat chance. But seriously, if I can just relax I will have greater access to my brain's potential capacity. I will be able to store information better and retrieve it better. I have pills for anxiety and I am wondering if an externally induced relaxedness produces the same affect. I really don't think so. The nimbleness and dexterity would all be cancelled out by the additional tiredness as a side effect.
Now I need a paradigm shift. I need to have this strong and real vision to help me think of this test in such a way that I can approach it in a relaxed, calm way.
...
I am eating broccoli. It is brain food. In the morning I will eat blueberries - they are also brain food. I need to remember to stand on my head. Then all the blood will rush to my brain and maybe help it work better.
I should also remember to get some red bull maybe. I don't know. I am worried about making through the entire exam without fatigue.
------------------------
My new paradigm is that in order not to fail I have to do better than 6% of my class. That is about 8 people. I can do better than 8 people.
To get a B- I will need to do better than 21% of the class. That is about 30 people out of a class of about 120 or so. I don't know if I can do it. But I am pretty sure I can. At least 15 people are saying fuck law school, and they have been saying this all semester, so not only have they done as little as I have all semester, but they also weren't cramming 38% of the material into their heads. Then there is the bullshit factor. I am really good at slinging bullshit around. That got me 10 points on the third section of last semester's final. A final in which the workhorse of the class (he studies 16 hours a day) also got 10 points on the third section. And he studied a LOT more than me. I did also, in fact, get a B on the last final. And, a girl in the class who is also a workhorse got a B-.
::::::::::grin:::::::::::::
I am putting all my faith on lucky number 30... Just 30 people. These grades are so arbitrary. I think I am better off. I have been goofing off all semester and enjoying my life, while another girl who is more stressed out than me, has worked harder than me, gets a B- while I get a B.
Ain't Life Grand. :)
(Paradigm shift accomplished)
What's it all for?
Listen to this Helen and Ben... we got a compliment today on the blog. Hooray!
I like compliments.
Now, I feel as though I met my goal of learning 10% more. Now I know 20% of the material. I did already take my 30 minute break. For the sake of accuracy pretend like 30 minutes equals 2 hours.
I called L. She didn't feel much like talking. I told her that I am so worried about tomorrow's final and I will fail everything for sure. She said "ok". OK?! What the hell?!
So then I download a movie from Amazon... and of course watch the entire thing. I watched A Little Trip to Heaven with Julia Stiles and Forest Whitaker. Julia Stiles was in one of my brother's science classes at Columbia. (or so he says)
The movie was o.k., I feel as though the 3 main actors could have portrayed their characters with better dimension. It was difficult to feel empathy for any of them. Peter Coyote did a terrific job in his small role.
I think it would have been better if we saw the accident seen a little later on. I would've liked to seen it edited in after the resolution of the bus insurance.
Other than that this movie could have been a lot better. It wasn't bad. It just didn't have that "it factor".
Definitely would have made a difference if we liked Forest Whitaker's character more.
__________________
Alright, Now that was a relief. I am so glad I got my movie watching out of the way. I would hate to procrastinate on that. Now I can reward myself by trying to learn about Discovery in a litigation.
or...
no, i can't do anything else. i have to study. What if I fail? then I guess I will retake the class. Will it make me graduate later? no. Would I feel great and horrible shame? maybe for a short time, but I would get over it fairly quickly. In fact, I wouldn't mind taking this class again. I learn things better the second time I hear them.
Now that I have resigned myself to being comfortable with an F, i still think I have to study.
I will eat a butterfinger and then read about Discovery. No, I will eat a butterfinger, open my ninth Diet Coke of the day, smoke a cigarette, and then read about Discovery. That is a damn good plan.
I like compliments.
Now, I feel as though I met my goal of learning 10% more. Now I know 20% of the material. I did already take my 30 minute break. For the sake of accuracy pretend like 30 minutes equals 2 hours.
I called L. She didn't feel much like talking. I told her that I am so worried about tomorrow's final and I will fail everything for sure. She said "ok". OK?! What the hell?!
So then I download a movie from Amazon... and of course watch the entire thing. I watched A Little Trip to Heaven with Julia Stiles and Forest Whitaker. Julia Stiles was in one of my brother's science classes at Columbia. (or so he says)
The movie was o.k., I feel as though the 3 main actors could have portrayed their characters with better dimension. It was difficult to feel empathy for any of them. Peter Coyote did a terrific job in his small role.
I think it would have been better if we saw the accident seen a little later on. I would've liked to seen it edited in after the resolution of the bus insurance.
Other than that this movie could have been a lot better. It wasn't bad. It just didn't have that "it factor".
Definitely would have made a difference if we liked Forest Whitaker's character more.
__________________
Alright, Now that was a relief. I am so glad I got my movie watching out of the way. I would hate to procrastinate on that. Now I can reward myself by trying to learn about Discovery in a litigation.
or...
no, i can't do anything else. i have to study. What if I fail? then I guess I will retake the class. Will it make me graduate later? no. Would I feel great and horrible shame? maybe for a short time, but I would get over it fairly quickly. In fact, I wouldn't mind taking this class again. I learn things better the second time I hear them.
Now that I have resigned myself to being comfortable with an F, i still think I have to study.
I will eat a butterfinger and then read about Discovery. No, I will eat a butterfinger, open my ninth Diet Coke of the day, smoke a cigarette, and then read about Discovery. That is a damn good plan.
Last Day to Study...
My Civil Procedure Exam is in less than 24 hours. I would estimate that I know 10% of the material so far.
Gee, what should I be doing right at this moment?
Trying to beat my record at Freecell? nope
Spending hours on Netflix? nope
Taking a shower? well I could do that... I need a shower. brb...
---
the shower felt great. Now I am ready to go study... ugh...
I will set a small goal... 10% more of the material. That is my goal. When I meet that goal I will get, a 30 min. break. I will call my girlfriend. Her alias on this blog will be L.
Here I go!
Gee, what should I be doing right at this moment?
Trying to beat my record at Freecell? nope
Spending hours on Netflix? nope
Taking a shower? well I could do that... I need a shower. brb...
---
the shower felt great. Now I am ready to go study... ugh...
I will set a small goal... 10% more of the material. That is my goal. When I meet that goal I will get, a 30 min. break. I will call my girlfriend. Her alias on this blog will be L.
Here I go!
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Procrastinating or Relaxing?
I just got off the phone. X is good.
I got the mail, and a new netflix film came! Hooray! Now I have another thing I can do instead of studying for finals. Should I be feeling guilty? I don't know. I kind of am just not caring right now. I don't know if this law school stuff is for me. I feel as though I've been beaten against a rock in a dirty river and thrown in the back seat of someone's car, only to be discovered weeks later stinky and mildewed.
I am now eating Lime Jello... and drinking my sixth diet coke of the day. Next I will email my pal the link to this brilliant thing called my blog. I really dig Jello. It is genius. I need to go buy more at the store. All you need is water and time. Jello is really filling too. I can probably buy 15 boxes for $20. That is like 15 meals. The best part is the sugar. I am having a torrid love affair with refined sugar. And the colors! Ooo pretty. I need to find a blue one. I don't like to put fruit inside the Jello. It totally ruins the Jello. But I am not opposed to putting fruit on the side.
I just spell checked. It said that "someone's" up there is wrong. They suggest some one's or someones. That doesn't sound right to me. If anyone knows the right way, let me know. Leave a comment.
I have commenced movie watching...
I got the mail, and a new netflix film came! Hooray! Now I have another thing I can do instead of studying for finals. Should I be feeling guilty? I don't know. I kind of am just not caring right now. I don't know if this law school stuff is for me. I feel as though I've been beaten against a rock in a dirty river and thrown in the back seat of someone's car, only to be discovered weeks later stinky and mildewed.
I am now eating Lime Jello... and drinking my sixth diet coke of the day. Next I will email my pal the link to this brilliant thing called my blog. I really dig Jello. It is genius. I need to go buy more at the store. All you need is water and time. Jello is really filling too. I can probably buy 15 boxes for $20. That is like 15 meals. The best part is the sugar. I am having a torrid love affair with refined sugar. And the colors! Ooo pretty. I need to find a blue one. I don't like to put fruit inside the Jello. It totally ruins the Jello. But I am not opposed to putting fruit on the side.
I just spell checked. It said that "someone's" up there is wrong. They suggest some one's or someones. That doesn't sound right to me. If anyone knows the right way, let me know. Leave a comment.
I have commenced movie watching...
About this Blog...
I needed to make a new blog because my political tirades are out of place in my other blog http://scoobygangsepigram.blogspot.com/ - that is a place for me and my friends to keep up with the goings-on in each other's lives. I also wanted a place to complain about law school. Really, I am the only one I expect will read this.
Why Helen and Ben? I named the blog after my 2 idols, Helen Keller and Benjamin Franklin. I don't really expect them to be a theme, or even come up at any other time. I just needed a name, and I suck at coming up with names.
_________________________
Now for today's post...
It is May something... Oh no! It is the 5th. My rent is due by the 5th. Piss! Ok I will be right back...
...
Ok, back. Just in time. Now I am on the phone with my ex-girlfriend. I will call her X (original, I know).
Why Helen and Ben? I named the blog after my 2 idols, Helen Keller and Benjamin Franklin. I don't really expect them to be a theme, or even come up at any other time. I just needed a name, and I suck at coming up with names.
_________________________
Now for today's post...
It is May something... Oh no! It is the 5th. My rent is due by the 5th. Piss! Ok I will be right back...
...
Ok, back. Just in time. Now I am on the phone with my ex-girlfriend. I will call her X (original, I know).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)