The Dip Weakness...

I have this chips and dip recipe that I make all the time lately. It is the yummiest. It tastes about a thousand times better than it looks. Why do I make this dip? I won't even cook dinner for myself, but I will whip up this dip in 5 minutes and then chow down. That was my dinner - the dip.

In case there are other people reading this blog who would like to know the dip intimately... here is the recipe:

2 packages cream cheese.
16 oz. of salsa (preferably Pace)
1 chopped tomato
1 bunch of scallions (just the white part - not the green)
1 package of shredded cheddar cheese.

Mix the cream cheese, salsa, toms, and scallions with a hand mixer in a bowl. Top with the cheese. Put in the refrigerator 30 min.

Eat with tortilla chips.

No wonder my "real age" is 30. I went to www.realage.com. apparently I am 30. WTF? My birth certificate says I turn 27 in October. I guess the geniuses behind the real age know better.

I think it is from smoking and eating dip for dinner.

there are some vegetables in it though.

I feel like some blog posts are better than others. I would rate this at the bottom. All the things I can talk about and I talk about Dip.

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Ok I will now move on to topics with more depth...

I love my family. I really do. But I am happy that I will spend the next 9 months in New York, far away from them.

There is quality time, and then there is time suckage. This past weekend was ok because I got to see my mom and spend quality time. I got to see my nephew "D".

I had ample amounts of time to figure out how to solve the rubik's cube. A guy had one at work and I became obsessed. Now I can solve it in 4 minutes. I am hoping to get that time down to under a minute before I drop this hobby.

Between visiting mom, step-dad, and "D" - I went to see my step-sis in the hospital. I need a pseudonym here and I just can't think of one that fits quite yet.

My sis (she is a step-sis, but I generally say sis for ease of conversation and so that people won't be reminded of the wicked step-sisters in Cinderella, although the comparison might not be far off) is in the psych ward because she is getting ECT electroshock therapy. She is getting this because none of her medications for depression have been working and she is severly depressed. It was pretty severe. I went to see her and she seemed so much better. She was expressing some emotion and she was able to smile sincerely in conversation. The weird thing was that she never blinked the whole time. Her eyes were bugging out of her head. [now you know why my family doesn't get my blog address]

It is this really, really weird thing to deal with. People at worked asked me abotu my weekend and I told them I went to visit my sis in the hospital. They said "is she ok", as people do in polite society. Being the "share-too-much in all honesty" type I said she is ok, she is just getting electro-shock therapy. And then one of two things happen...

1. They seem shocked and then they have a concerned and understanding look on their faces. Then they say - I didn't realize they still performed those.

2. They think I might be kidding (because I say all my jokes deadpan). So they half smile. And then I tell them how she didn't blink. And then it brings on full laughter. And then I say how she is doing much better and she is interacting with her kid better. Suddenly they fall quiet. They realize I am not kidding. They wonder if it was ok to laugh. They realize it is ok to laugh and then they laugh again nervously.

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I have an extensive knowledge of depression - all self taught, which is possible despite what rich elitists will tell you.

I have first-hand experience as well. I know what that noonday demon feels like. I know how the numbness can be excruciating. When I read Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar I felt as though I seeing myself represented for the first time.

I say all this because - I just don't feel like this is my sis's problem. I just don't believe her. I know that sounds horrible. But doctors are wrong A LOT. Especially psychiatrists and other mental health professionals.

What is obvious to me is that her depression is a manifestation of her borderline personality disorder. I don't understand how a trained professional can't see that.

I say nothing to my sis, because I think that the ECT is working (for now). I was the one who told her she should get it. She said she was severely depressed. When someone is suicidal I think ECT is a very smart option. pills take weeks to work. pills can also help a depressed person become very active and get out of bed and not help them feel mentally better for another 3 weeks or more. Someone who is bedridden with severe depression will be able to get out of bed and have enough momentum to kill themselves. ECT shows results immediately.

Anyway, the point is that I am trying to figure out on what level this is affecting me. This sis in the hospital thing. I worry for her. I worry about myself being around too many mentally ill people. I wonder what will happen when she gets to leave the hospital.

time, time, everywhere there's time... rockin' up the people and breakin' my mind...

do this, don't do that, can't you read the time?

that's my little variation on the signs song.

it's 10pm. i really, really don't want to sleep. I just want to watch x-files and read my book, and write stuff about my life. I don't want to wake up tomorrow after having no sleep either.

decisions, decisions

ok... i guess i will be a grown up and go to bed...

Wow, a whole week has gone by...

I've been doing better about the eating healthier fruits and veggies thing. I still have a long way to go, but I am moving in the right direction. It has been way easier to eat good during the day at work. If I bring in healthy food I will eat it. The hard part of the day is when I get home from work. I am so drained. I just feel like stuffing my face with whatever is handy. Today I had Doritos handy. Luckily, tomorrow is a new day.

I went to see my family in Virginia. My step-sis is in the hospital. Psych ward. She is getting ECT (electro-shock) for her depression because nothing else is working. She seems to be doing much better. Although, she didn't blink the entire time I was visiting with her. I guess the real test will be when she is back in society and out of the hospital. Hopefully she will do better then too. Everyone in the family has pretty much lost all faith and respect in her. I think this is a real turning point. If she doesn't get better after this I think everyone will be convinced she just doesn't want to get better. She has been using mental issues as an excuse not to function as a regular person for the past ten years or more.

I feel really bad for her 2 year old son. HE doesn't know what's going on, but this has to be affecting him on some very deep level. It's weird because our memories don't begin until age 4 or so. But all this crap is happening to him now. 25 years from know when he is on some therapist's couch he won't be able to point back to this time and say "i am really screwed up because my mother decided she regretted having me when I was 18 months. She then ignored my existence for the next year - hoping I would disappear if she just didn't acknowledge me."

Too bad. I think something like that would be useful to remember and express.

I am an inconsistent loaf...

I didn't blog for awhile because it was difficult to get internet access. I damn sure will not enter a blog entry at work. So here I am, stuck in the middle with you.

I am cooking ground beef. I am not a vegetarian. I'd like to be, but that would require me to eat vegetables. I should actually eat more vegetables. I need to go check to see if I've burned the meat... brb loyal, faithful audience... I really will...

See, I'm back - as promised. So what the hell?! I am stressed out. I can't figure out this crazy thing called my life. I love my internship. Love, love, love it. Seriously. But, I feel this chaos creeping up and smacking down my calm moments. Where is it coming from?

I ran all over hither and yon this summer, trying to see my family and friends. I think that is part of it. I went to visit my grandparents in Virginia. My grandfather fainted in his driveway about 2 months ago and hit his head on the car. He has had several bypass surgeries after heart attacks, and he had a stroke years ago. After the driveway incident he was given a clean bill of health by the doctor. I don't know if I really believe that.

While visiting g-ma and g-pa (they have nicknames, but I will refer to them simply as g-ma and g-pa to protect the innocent), I noticed that we have extremely similar dietary habits. They eat junk. Pizza, Mcdonald's, kfc, you name it... they drink coke. I drink diet coke, but I drink such vast quantities I might as well be soaking my liver in it. We went to the grocery store, and everything we bought was prepackaged, pre-cut, low prep time, etc....

This beef I'm cooking, well let's just say that this is the first time all summer I have broken out a skillet.

When did all this lifestyle influence happen? I spent most of my summers there with my grandparents. My brothers, my cousin, and I would leave their house at the end of every summer carrying an extra 10 pounds. My mom on the other hand is the epitome of health. She eats salads and veggies. She takes the stairs instead of the elevator. You get the picture. I guess she never really enforced those habits in her kids. My brother, we'll call him "Chris" for the purposes of this blog, has the same eating habits as I do. He is 22 months younger than me. My youngest brother, he will henceforth be known as "ray" on the blog, is actually pretty healthy. But he was a high school athlete. He is also 6 years younger than me. Maybe he had a different childhood experience at the kitchen table than Chris and I had. Or maybe he just has more self-discipline and takes care of himself. I don't know.

Seeing my g-pa in such physical misery because of his obesity and heart problems has kind of been a wake-up call. I really am bound and determined to quit smoking. I definitely need to change my lifestyle to reflect healthier values.

So it begins... let's hope I am more consistent with this project than I was with writing in the blog.

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Writing in this blog is such a release. I get to vent about all the crazy stuff I'm thinking. I think I will be more at peace if I continue to make the time for Helen and Ben. Ben would definitely be proud of my newfound health calling.

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Note to audience: if you, like me, never had a rubiks cube growing up, and you feel the need to see what all the fuss is about, wait until you really want to feel like an idiot. One of my co-workers had the cube on his desk. I never had played with one before. They are so Freakin' Frustrating! WOW! After work I went to the store and bought one of my very own. I then proceeded to spend the next 4 hours trying to make some kind of progress.

I will try again tomorrow. I will need to feel like an idiot again most likely.