I'll try that one again...

I have been replaying a memory in my mind lately of a dinner party I had during my first semester of law school.

I brought a book of questions, in case things got dull. Of course, we ended up sitting in a circle asking each other questions. I got this question, I can't even remember who asked it, but it was something like "When do you feel the best about yourself?" And, my answer was... After creating something, like a painting or a story I've written. There is nothing like the supreme satisfaction of knowing that you did that. You created that. It is in the world now, for others to see. It isn't an idea, hope, or fleeting thought. If people want to reference it, they have to reference me. I don't care if it's good, as long as I feel like it is good. It is good for me. And that's awesome.

Freud said that people are only motivated by sexual gratification and to feel important. I've never felt so important as I felt after I finished a chapter of a book that has yet to be finished. It isn't so much importance, as a feeling of greatness. When that feeling comes over me, the feeling of greatness, it is totally sublime. No one can bring me down with all of their mess.

So the problem with this place I am at right now... is that I can't create. I have no time or energy or emotional umph. I feel dejected before I can even think that I might like to do something like blog.

Sure I make things during the day. But how can I feel great after writing a memo, that I had to use the exact legal wording and exact format and do it at the exact time in the exact cubicle... you get the point. Where am I in this?

That's why I hate law school right now... because I am not great.